NSFW Jokes



1. OPENING JARS - nnng... she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. GIVING A PROPER HIP AND SHOULDER - and calling out "Fair bump, play on" as your unsuspecting mate hits the deck.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here. No, I don't need a sharpener. Do you think I can't whittle!?

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines ropes, driving, lifting and dumping your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt?". "Nah... I'm used to it".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When girls have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grrr... what does it look like?

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Fuckin' oath.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING AT THE PUB LATE - and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are arsehole. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue. Brilliant. Now pass the meat pies.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - and asking "Are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "Do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16. WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, hardware stores would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how hard you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT $500 FROM THE ATM - okay, so it's for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a gangster. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike women, men get straight to the point. "Hey. G'day. Drink? Yep. Usual place? Yep. Seven? Yep. Seeya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - straight in, first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you a better driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT BEER - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Do you even know what the fuck you're doing!?"

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual cue that says "That's right, I'm going in there to take a huge, long man-sized dump".

25. CALLING YOUR MATE A CUNT - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "You're a good mate. I missed you while you were in hospital".
A tyrant with an eccentric or nonconformist personality who is the leader of a counterculture that makes life a nonspatial continuum in which events occur in apparent irreversible succession from the past through the present to the future
Notice how the British slant makes this list about being a "real man" sound kinda gay? Hmmm... no offense to our British friends out there, just an observation about word choices....

again, in american please
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